Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Vanderpump Rules: The Atomic Melvin Threat Heard Round the World

Monday night's episode of Vanderpump Rules was by far the best episode of the season thus far for two huge reasons, the threaten of an atomic wedgie by Frank and two, the mocking by Stassi's parents of her apparent teenage bread loving years. Seriously, I was laughing so hard that I thought I was watching Russell Peters Red White and Brown Comedy special declaring his inability to play Dance Dance Revolution. Rather than explain to you how I nearly spit out my water from laughing at Joey the Bartender discuss the wedgie, let's just get into the highlights of last night's episode, shall we?

So it all started with a little plug of all the employees and their other life, the life they are hoping will take off by being a part of this reality show, their aspiring careers. I must say, Scheana Marie really is similar to Britney Spears in that her voice is bad. I mean really bad. There's no cute metaphoric way to put, it's just not good. But somehow she has a cd out on itunes. We learned last week that she can't perform, but yet a record label or something wants to invest in her. I guess, as Frank later says in the episode, pretty girl syndrome can get you far in life. Oh! And apparently even Peter the bartender has plans to be more than just a Sur manager, he produced a movie that Tom starred in! And here I thought he was just a filler jovial Johnny Deppesque character. 

photo.JPGAnd then we moved on to the Laura Leigh and Jax tete-a-tete in the bathroom. Ken announces to Lisa that security caught the two in the bathroom. And then we get glimpse of them partaking in some festivities in the bathroom at a Japanese restaurant. And the best part is when Lisa's publicist informs her that as her publicist that is not good for business. Really, is that what they pay you for? And then Lisa confronts the two and their reaction is proof that the two will never be able to drop aspiring off their career title. The smirk on Jax's face couldn't be wiped away with a $100 bill and  Laura Leigh's response that they had sex in the bathroom at Takami was just embarrassing. Seriously, is it just me but every time Laura Leigh talks I just cringe of embarrassment, she says everything that you're not supposed to say! Poor girl is about to get kicked to the curb in another episode or so and fingers crossed she won't go down the meth path again. (FYI, I just discovered Laura-Leigh's IMDB page. Apparently she's been around the acting block for a minute now!)

photo.JPGAnd then came the best part of the entire episode. The introduction of the man who will forever be known as the wedgie messenger. No, not that he perpetrates the wedgies, no no, he telephones the alleged wedgies to others. And that would be Joey. Wonderful Joey who knows how to tell you a story that's going to make you laugh. Seriously, when Joey tells the story of Frank threatening to give a customer a wedgie wouldn't be as funny if Jax or Peter told it, no no, Joe Joe told it in a way that made me laugh ridiculously hard. And that smile on his face, he so doesn't fit in with the rest of the model brow folk at Sur. He's just your average Joey telling some gossip, but he really made the episode! 

And who does that? Threaten someone with a wedgie? You're a man in your late 20s and you don't like the way a customer is treating you so you threaten a wedgie? How old are you? Isn't that what kindergartners do?

And thus begins the telling of the real Frank. I mean, we kind of saw it in Vegas and telling Stassi about Jax allegedly cheating on her, but when he has his showdown with Lisa, it all came out. I can only use neanderthal words to describe him and so I will. He's a douche bag, ladies and gentlemen, a douche bag. Seriously, rather than scurrying out of Sur with his tale between his legs, he lies to Stassi basically telling her that it was "Frank 1 Sur 0." On what planet are you from, Frankie boy?

And after the firing, Stassi takes Jax to meet her parents. If I remember correctly, her parents are divorced, so I'm assuming they just have a good relationship? If you recall last week, I mentioned that Stassi and her family were on the Amazing Race Family edition with her father and stepmother, well that was obviously her father who was also on the Amazing Race and that was not her stepmother at lunch.

And so the best part of the lunch was her parents outing her on national television. It all started with Frank idiotically telling her parents how Stassi has pretty girl syndrome and uses her prettyness to get people to do things for her, or that someone told him that she was ailing of this and he has experienced the symptoms firsthand. My first thought was, "Are you stupid? You are going to ridicule your girlfriend to her parents the first time you meet them?" Not only did they not chastise him for doing such a thing, they joined in on the Stassi bashing!

Apparently, Stassi wasn't the blonde model we know and hate today, oh no. According to her father she used to be "homely." That was her father's words, not mine. Her parents went on to say how she used to be chubby, pale and would come home from school and eat a loaf of bread from the inside out while lying on the floor of the kitchen. In an interview, Stassi went on to say how she was into the goth style (cue Bravo flashing high school photos of Stassi) in high school and then for graduation she got a chin implant and model scouts started calling her.

I don't know what was better at this luncheon, Stassi's parents ridiculing her for her looks or the fact that her parents asked Frank, "You aren't a Democrat, are you?" to which Frank looked like a dear caught in headlights. Either a.) He's a young liberal living in California (shocking!) and didn't want to admit it or b.) he doesn't know the difference with a democrat or republican. I go with the latter.

Episode ImageAnd thus the episode concludes with Frank proclaiming he has dropped the word aspiring from his career and is officially a commercial real estate agent. Sounds lucrative if you're moonlighting (You could have made a drinking game a la Andy Cohen with the amount of times Frank said moonlighting last night) as a bartender and playing the villain on a cable reality show.

Photo: Is Frank getting tired of Stassi already?

Find out tomorrow on #PumpRules @ NEW TIME 9/8c. Preview: http://bravo.ly/XLynYmOh yeah, and he breaks up with Stassi after she calls him bipolar. I'm pretty sure he did it because he didn't want to feel emasculated a second time on television and thus he took the bull by the horns (Another Frankism) and ended it with Stassi. Not so smart, buddy, there's no reason for you to be on the show anymore, you're not working at Sur and you're not dating Stassi. Good luck in commercial real estate!

Click below for image links...



  1. question
    What is the song that was playing at Takami as Jax & LL were going into employee bathroom and who is the group?


    1. Sorry, anon, I don't know. I'll try and check it out On Demand and get back with you!

    2. Sorry, anon. I couldn't figure out the song, but good song! I did notice that the songs from episode one are on iTunes, so maybe check there?

  2. Stassi Stop thinking You Are A 10 when clearly You Are pushing A-5 Someone Really Needs To Give You A Good Ass kicking put A size 11up Your flat Ass! You and Jax! Deserve one Another Katie stop Being Stassi Right Hand fool of a Bitch! Let Her and Jax feed each other's enough Bull-shit To Them Selves All They Need is The 2 of them anyone else would Be a fool!