Last night's season finale was the perfect ending for a fictitious 20 something dramedy, oh I'm sorry the perfect ending for a reality show. Right, reality show. Wink wink. Seriously, after that conclusion I refuse to believe that any of this show is real. And thats fine with me! Bravo has shattered reality television ceilings and knows the proper calculated steps to achieve ratings gold. Unfortunately, a true reality show like Silicon Valley achieved no ratings (None of them got a guest spot on WWHL, not even quirky Hermione! Nor did they get a reunion.) and thus Bravo must concoct a show that resembles a reality show but is purely fictitious to achieve a fan base, and thus Vanderpump Rules was born.
The show started out with Stassi and Jax perusing dog collars. The scene was so representative of their relationship. Stassi picking out attire for her bitch while she treats her boyfriend...ex-boyfriend...boyfriend in waiting like the same female animal. She berates him for dating Laura Leigh, berates him for allowing Laura Leigh to watch her dog and berates him for breathing. Jax promises the world to Stassi if only they can get back together. Stassi is loving having a tiny Jax in her pocket, with complete control and dominance. It's her very own Giggy.
Then we cut to Tom, mid band practice. I was hoping to see Lisa's son Max practicing with him, but no luck. Pandy always parades around the cameras but I want to get to know Max a little better. I suppose he doesn't follow in the rest of the family's camera loving ways, and does he work at Sur too? I thought I saw him in a Sur t-shirt like the other servers in the episode where Ken drives up in that hilarious pink sham of a car. Oh yeah, so Tom's at practice and stops mid song to answer Kristen's call so she can lament her angst over her friendship with Stassi. Staged much?
And now it's time for Laura Leigh to strut down the take that carpet. That's right, the woman who was referred to as "bat shit crazy" in the previous scene just landed a role in Jennifer Aniston's movie, We Are the Millers. While Stassi is serving chicken tenders and blogging on her coffee break, Laura Leigh will be in South Carolina filming opposite Jennifer Aniston, so boom!
Stassi and Kristen have a sit down. Cry cry. I'm sorry, yada yada. Ok, we're biffles together forever! I hope they clocked out before having that conversation. I would hate to think they did this on company time! Especially considering Kristen did go off to Peter about Stassi clocking in and then sitting down in the main room to eat her take out fried chicken. The nerve!
Then off to the photo shoot at some bread and breakfast in Beverly Hills. Oh no, that was Lisa's house! Whether it was simply for the cameras or not, I thought it was sweet of Lisa to loan her jewelry to the ladies for the photo shoot, not to mention her house! Granted, she could possibly be the Lou Pearlman of West Hollywood. These kids have nothing and Lisa knows she can make money off of them. Nahh. Lisa wouldn't do that to us, would she?
Before the gratuitous bikini moment with all of the ladies during the photo shoot, Lisa pulls Stassi to the side to give her a finger wagging for bringing Frank to Villa Blanca. That piece must be on the cutting room floor, I assume there was no gasps and whispers by the servers surrounding that event and thus it wasn't worth showing.
Back to the photo shoot. Bikinis, speedos, socks, oh my! I loved when the accent ridden photographer continuously referred to Stassi as Stacey only for her to angrily scream StAHssi!
And then Jax pulls Stassi to the side and discuses the Frank situation. Is he a lost cause, should he give up? No, thinking Stassi in her mind. I like you groveling at my feet. I shall date whoever I want but you must remain at my feet. Then Stassi dips her hair partly in the water for dramatic effect. Girlfriend, you are in the middle of the photo shoot, why did you do that? And then she immerses all of her hair and it actually looks better slicked back! The two then shoot some provocative promos for Stassi Loves Jax, I mean Vanderpump Rules.
Onto Jax's session on the couch and Jax's face is unmasked and we learn that the true Jason is just a boy from Michigan who didn't complete Junior College but creates a grandiose image of himself in hopes of being loved. Personality Disorder? Borderline Personality Disorder? Hmm, lying? Check. Impulsive behavior? Check. Fear of being abandoned? Check. Maybe? I love how the therapist doesn't even believe how he didn't cheat but instead of full steam ahead calling him on it she discusses other patients who lie and then come clean four years later. And did he say that he met Stassi on a Wednesday and moved in with her on a Saturday and was together for two years? Does he just want his Sugar Mama back? Is that all the relationship was to him?
Then on to another photo shoot of just the women at Sur where Lisa informs us she closes the restaurant down for the day for the shoot and is going to shoot some individual shots for the girls own portfolios. Saint Vanderpump, no? Did anyone else notice Kristen and Katie's tattoos? Katie's was more modest but Kristen's whole back is colorfully tatted up! And of course the Scheana and Stassi kiss. It happened, it was awkward, it didn't get any Madonna/Britney Spears hoopla, but it just was there like a bottle of ketchup on the table. It's no chocolate mousse cheesecake, just ketchup.
Oh, and mid photo shoot Scheana and Lisa sit down to hash the Brandi cheating scandal. Seriously, is this the only thing that she garners face time for? Are they just riding on the coattails of Brandi's bestselling tell all regarding the cheating of her ex-Baywatch Nights hubby? Enough already. I found it to be just a filler scene.
And on to the finale party. And here comes the week long Vanderpump Rules alleged Bravo imposed Vandershocker, Jax quits and then admits that he did lie, he did indeed cheat on Stassi and get a girl pregnant in Vegas when they were dating. (Which, did this girl just swindle him for some money? He's had no communication with her since giving her money. Hmm.) Lots of tears and screaming by Stassi, lots of vindication by Stassi, lots of thoughts running through her head on how she's going to scream from the roof tops "I told you so." And so Jax is going to scurry away and give Stassi her space and never speak to her again until they have to do appearances together promoting the show six months later.
Next week is the reunion episode and I'm anxious to see what everyone has to say to him regarding Vegasgate. I wonder if Laura Leigh will be there, or is she too Hollywood now? And will Andy Cohen please get a health teacher there to explain the repercussions of unprotected sex? Or perhaps they've already dealt with the repercussions. If so, Andy I suggest you stay back.
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