Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Vanderpump Rules: The Ambiguously Real Reunion

Laura-Leigh Kick-Ass Premiere hairCan we first have a moment of silence to acknowledge Laura Leigh not being at the reunion? Where was she? I can imagine her not being there for two reasons. A.) She's far too Hollywood to be mingling with such  chicken tender serving proletarians  I mean, she is starring in a movie opposite Jennifer Aniston. B.) She's far too embarrassed to show her face around such chicken tender serving proletarians who used her in hopes of getting more camera time. I'll let you be the judge on that one. Can you imagine how awesome the reunion would have been had we been awarded an emotionally charged Laura Leigh monologue only to be dismissed by Jax who throws his undying love to Stassi? So true, had Laura Leigh been there the reunion still would have centered around the Stassi and Jax break-up. An hour of the Stassi and Jax break-up with a side of Scheana was a bit much. Yes, while the season was filled with the same giddy I got when the Beverly Hills 90210 theme song came on (The original, not whatever the show that has come on the last five years on Fox), the reunion just didn't evoke that same giddy.

vpr-recap-reunionLets first acknowledge that Andy shared his moderator chair wtih Lisa. Yes, Lisa sat next door to Andy while the six cast members sat three and three on each side of them. Lisa didn't speak too much so she really didn't need to be there at all, but I guess it is her show and restaurant so she wanted some more publicity. Come on people, she needs to garner more votes for Dancing with the Stars, so the more camera time the better! Oh! And Andy had no tie on and was wearing jeans! Trying to look a little more West Hollywood and less pop culture obsessed 40  year old trying to appear professional.

So apparently everyone is still working at Sur. Shocker? Didn't fame go to their head and they all quit their job with the pocket change they made for the show? Of course  not, they all want a spot on season two so they have to continue serving Chateauneuf de Pape to customers who are far from wine connoisseurs but rather just going there in hopes of ridiculing Stassi since they feel it their responsibility to punish her for having narcissistic personality disorder. Specifically they were from San Diego. 

And how badly was Scheana grappling to get a spot in season two of Vanderpump Rules? Her own story line was the Brandi Glanville triangle so she took a page out of Brandi's book and tried to finagle her way into every conflict. She even claimed she rubbed sunscreen on Jax's back in hopes of getting Stassi jealous, something she has vehemently denied and Lisa even acknowledged! Lisa, are you really not believing her Adrienne Maloof finger pointing techniques in hopes of obtaining another annual paycheck? Careful, Sheanna, this is what got Maloof hoofed. 

Oh yes, and Jax didn't actually leave, he made his statement for a grand finale and then turned around to ask for his job back. Really Andy, you're asking Lisa why she took him back? A reality star bartending at her restaurant is of course going to bring in customers and more ratings for season two! 

And then they get back to talking about Jax and Stassi and their apparently violent relationship. Jax exclaims that Stassi punched him in the face and busted his nose and poor Stassi was traumatized because she had blood all over her. She had absolutely no remorse and asked Jax if he deserved it to which he responded with yes. Is it just me or was everyone a little too blase in regards to the domestic violence discussion? Denial much?

Stassi Loves Jax … And Frank?From the Stassi and Jax relationship they glide over to the Stassi and Frank relationship. Apparently she got with Frank two days after breaking up with Jax, but Stassi does admit that the two had an emotional relationship prior to this. While we did see Stassi and Frank break up after Stassi labeled Frank bipolar, Stassi claimes the two did get back together and have been together until fairly recently. And all the while allegedly Jax has been at Stassi's coattails in hopes of dethroning Frank. Really, 32 year old model aka bartender aka unemployed man? You need a role in season two that badly?

They always say you can lose your shirt in Vegas, the just never tell you it's because you want to be cool and take it off to toss insults at someone.The mockery Andy made of the Las Vegas fight was probably the best part, I think Andy may have actually been a little too excited. He likes to knock on Jax and his chunky knit sweaters a bit too much. And did Tom say he accidentally took a Xanax and that's why he took his shirt off? Oops, I took a Xanax. I thought it was a skittle! Isn't that what Brandi Glanvile claimed her son did after finding a laxative in Leann Rimes's purse? Somehow I don't think a 30 year old can claim that excuse.

So then they discuss Laura Leigh. Jax admits he used her as a pawn, in the words of Lisa. Or did he? Is he just saying that to get Stassi back or is he just unable to be single and needed another woman to control him? It wasn't until Stassi and Frank ended that he dumped LL Bambi in hopes of getting Stassi back.  Although he no longer needed the pawn if they had broken up. Am I really waxing poetic about Jax and Stassi's relationship?

They briefly stray from Jassi (would that be their Hollywood name?) to discuss Tom and his twin high school roommates to which Scheanna has to chime in and go after Kristen. It was far too reminiscent of Maloof going after Lisa in the season two reunion of RHOBH. She has no beef with Kristen and there was just no need to go after her. It reeked of fakeness. Sadly, Kristen couldn't hold her own against Scheanna. Or maybe Kristen was in on it too in hopes of rivalry to promote season two security? Hmm..

And so the whole reunion show was basically just Jax running circles around the room with his tail between his legs with Stassi yelling at him to run faster, run faster. The periphery would chime in here and there to say how he defriened the girls and lied to his best friend all while continually running circles. And did Tom cry when he talked about his friendship with Jax? What was that about? It could have been done in thirty minutes, but really I don't think we learned much new in this reunion. 

After the reunion show, Jax and Stassi had a little hotel lobby meeting. (Did you get the R Kelly reference? After the party is the after party, after the party is the hotel lobby...Well, I thought it was genius.) They basically met with Andy to rehash more of  what was rehashed on the reunion show which was a large load of nothing. Granted there were a few tidbits of new information such as Tom Sandoval tweeteing asking if one of their hotel rooms was empty. They tried to come off coy, alluding to whether they are together, but at this point who cares. Also, Stassi did state that she knew Jax had cheated on her because when she initially questioned him about the cheating allegation he responded by stating he wasn't in Vegas, but Stassi didn't even know the cheating happened in Vegas at that point, so when she heard the whole story she said he basically admitted his guilt right there. But again, at this point, who cares.
Stassi Schroeder on Queen Bees
Oh, and we got another glimpse into Stassi's vault. So Stassi is a 2x reality show veteran, The Amazing Race is not the only show she's been on, apparently she was on another reality show called Queen Bees. It was filmed five years ago and Stassi pretty much looks the same, no big shockers there.

And that's it for season one of Vanderpump Rules, lets hope it doesn't fall into the sophomore slump next season and is able to find ratings in topics other than the Jax and Stassi relationship. Something tells me the Brenda-Dylan fictional tale will be played out for another season. Lets hope Laura Leigh doesn't pull an Emily Valentine and try to burn down the Sur float for the Gay Pride Parade.

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